Waiting

Lots of stuff going on in the house with all the kids. We celebrated Ernie and Vickie's birthday's together yesterday in what little time Ernie was home. He came home this weekend to be a small group leader for our Youth groups annual Refuel weekend. It was a different role for him being  a leader and not a student learning, but as I suspected He LOVED it!!! All he could talk about were "his boys" while he was here. The Lord is working and I am just loving seeing it.


That left little time for a birthday dinner for both and a cake but we squeezed it in. You see the day before was Vickie's 17th birthday (whew time is flying) and she had a guard competition in St. Louis, all day on the bus is not a great way to spend her birthday, however I tried to make it as special as possible. I woke her early not because she wanted to get up but because she HAD to and she knew the day would stretch into the wee hours of the next morning so I tried to ease her pain a bit by placing her birthday present on her chest to wake her. She was pleasantly surprised. :) Amongst her presents in her bag was a few minor things I made her swear she would wear all day, a button that said "It's my birthday" and a birthday princess crown. She LOVED it!!! For a second I got a glimpse of my sweet little girl dressing up all those years ago. See we were not able to go with her on this trip due to a little thing called FPU, we just had to save money and it really was not in our budget this week to take this trip, however as bad as I feel about missing this, I am reminded of Dave Ramseys words, "money is a moral, not good or bad, just stuff we need" So I took that into thought and since we are "lving like no one else (btw it is TOUGH) so later we can live like no one else" I came to peace with it, it was almost a knock down drag out with my mothering instincts but in the end, God really was the one who put me at ease. It was her birthday after all! So we celebrate a day late, no big deal. We were all ok with it and I got to hear all the stories of the day in the wee hours of the morning, but there was NO way I was missing them for anything. She was beat and tired but still went on about how well the guard did. They moved up 6 whole points from the week before! Way to go everyone!! Every week they get better. So when championships come around at the end of the month in Springfield they will be at the top of their game...oh and btw we ARE going to that. We just had to choose which ones, and we knew championships would mean more to her.


So Bud and I had a few hours to ourselves on Saturday with all the kids in their respective spots per say. We have needed a new vehicle for quite awhile and now that we are doing FPU we have to look at purchasing one in a whole new manner. So Saturday we went "looking" what features we like, what we can afford, how much to save to pay cash, what size, all those things. Then it hit me...well first let me back up just a bit. All this past week God has been loving on me and comforting me about the adoption of our little girl someday from China. I have been just out of sorts about it and He has loving been reminding me that His plan is higher and much better than I could ever imagine. I still have this empty ache of a hole in my heart and this frustration of waiting for all this to begin. I have heard friends say throughout their adoption process that the waiting is the toughest. I agree but I would give anything to be in the middle of the waiting and not wondering when its ever going to begin. My heart truly aches sometimes and I can get very down, and then God will show me, she is still going to be there when He says its time. SO I put that in the back of my mind and go on with my life taking care of all the things I need to, keeping busy helps. His word is so comforting. So back to the "looking" we see this one particular vehicle and I am thinking is there enough room for two teenagers with LONG legs to sit back here when we are all together...and then God reminds me, your gonna need room for a car seat too. :) My heart just leaped!! It was just a little nugget and a way that God has of speaking to me that brought joy and some peace and a great big smile across my face. I knew which vehicle we were to save for. The funny thing was, well maybe its just God being God, but Bud agreed 100% no this is not the right one, lets keep looking, or I just don't like it, or Your the one driving it sorta conversation. He just said I really like this, its really going to work. And me, me I just smiled, like God and I had an inside joke. He is good isn't he?! 


So for now I will continue to wait, waiting is the hardest. You see I have been in love with this little girl for over 5 years now. She and her mommy are in my prayers daily and I just long to hold her and tell her all the wonderful things God has for her and how MUCH He LOVES her! I don't know when or how, but God has promised me a long time ago and of everyone I know, I know one thing for sure, He NEVER breaks a promise! So it may be all my kids are grown and graduated and we start fresh, I don't care because I know God is in the midst of all the intricate areas of my life. I will keep waiting Lord, and while I do I will watch and serve You and honor You with all that I am! My China princess is out there and one day I will hold her in my arms and tell her how much we love her and how long we have been waiting to tell her Jesus loves her! Its such a hard thing to share and a hard thing to let others understand so if you do thank you, and if you don't just pray for us, we need all the prayers we can get. He is in all of it!


One other note, I am not sure who is following or reading this blog or if this is just for myself, but if you could just leave a note saying your reading it I would appreciate it. I just want to share my heart with those who want to hear it. - Love Tammy

A Different Birthday

Yesterday was an odd day for me. You see yesterday was the first birthday of Ernie's that he has not been here to celebrate. Not because he was busy just because he is not home anymore. I was somewhat distracted about this fact yesterday, doing pretty well I thought, until about midday.

We were at Vickie's very first WGI contest (for those of you who have no clue what I am talking about don't feel bad I had to learn the lingo too) WGI is a national circuit for Winter Guard, known as Winter Guard International. You have to be pretty good to be able to participate in this circuit, they are all over the nation and as you do well you are moved up nationally. Yesterday was a regional competition. She did WONDERFUL!! Didn't go to finals but still did great for their very first time on the circuit. There show is "SMILE" and it is SO much fun!! I was really enjoying myself other than the normal uncomfortableness of sitting on wooden bleachers for hours at a time, just goes with the territory though, fun anyhow.  So we were in the third round of her division probably the 20th guard that day and this song comes on that I have heard a hundred times. Its called Get here if you can. Now if you don't know me I LOVE music and I really relate to music! So I start listening to the song and watching the guard and they have these props in the back of the gym. Its sort of a backyard hanging laundry on the line set, So they unveil the first "sheet" and it is of a navy boy and his mom, the words are starting to get at me at this time, then the next "sheet" is revealed its of a grandpa and his toddler granddaughter, just sweet but the tears begin to come a little more, the final one was of a graduate in her cap and gown hugging her mom with the biggest smile on her face, by this time I am crying like a baby as the words of the song say, "I don't care how you get here, just get here if you can." Took me by surprise and really tugged at my heart. Its a beautiful song really.

But yesterday Ernie was 19 and at college celebrating his birthday without his family, he couldn't get home this weekend, so as a Mom away from her child for the very first time on his birthday it just made me sad. See birthdays are a big deal at our house. A special made dinner and a special made cake and of course some fun and gifts. I try to make it special because it is always a very special day. God put you here on this earth on that special day to touch every persons life that you come in contact with. That should be celebrated. I never felt like that when I was a kid but I know how important it is for people to know how special and important they are and what a miracle they are. God made them unique and special in every single way for His purpose. Celebrate what God has done!!! I didn't get to celebrate that the way we normally do with Ernie. Yet God is good and did take care of him, surrounded him with a very special person so he would know he was still special, and of course we bugged him a 100 times yesterday too!!! :) He will be home soon and we will celebrate properly. It just felt different. He is definitely in God's hands, this was totally out of my Mom control, ya know what I mean? God makes me let go sometimes when I don't really want to. I am so aware of the wonder and amazement He has for each of us, and yet I worry. I just have to hang on to His word and know that He has the very BEST for our family in His hands. So Lord once again you get the glory for all the things you are doing in our lives! Do with it as You will, its always the best anyway. And Happy 19th Birthday to our wonderful Son! Thank you for always taking care of him....oh and guess what? Next Saturday, another birthday in the family, Vickie will be 17! Where does the time go????? Thank you Lord for your beauty in her life and all the wonderful things you have in store for her as well!! Jeremiah 29:11 and Psalm 139!! What beautiful scripture....my chilrdren are gifts from the Father above, let that always be in the front of my mind and in my heart

Changes...again

Changes....changes are a normal part of life. I guess I have had SO many changes throughout my life that were life altering even the little ones seem to get at me sometimes. This change is expected, but still I am handling it in a different way than last time. Ernie is going back to college tomorrow. He is down packing right now, never seems to be in any type of hurry, thats Ernie. If you have known him at all, you would know that about him. He hasn't a care in the world, and never really worries..until the very last minute. I guess you would call that procrastination. He has always been laid back, never cared what others thought of him, nor did he ever care to "fit in" with a crowd. It use to worry me but now I know its just who he is, yet sometimes I wish I could motivate him just a wee bit. :) Nope not happening, that wouldn't be Ernie. He motivates himself in his own way. So tomorrow he heads off back down to college, to continue this journey God has put him on. I am praying that he has an awakening like you would not believe. He really needs a for lack of a better word "jolt". Maybe its his age, maybe its him getting use to this new life of his, or maybe again its just Ernie. I don't know but it worries me sometimes. I worry that he will fail, that he will lose his focus, that he will miss ALL the things God has for him. I just pray as he is learning book lessons, that God is also teaching him life lessons that will be SO valuable to him that he will never forget it. So again this child I still pray for...well I always will, but this semester ferverantly.

Another change is Vickie, where is the time going?? It scares me sometimes. She is maturing so much and ready to start life out there in this big world, yet she still holds back some. That I am grateful for. She just reminded me yesterday (as if I need reminding) that she graduates next May, just a bit over a year from now. Why does she have to do that? We were driving down the road and I burst into tears. I could barely see the road. Remember my earlier statemet? I don't do well with big changes. I have to prepare myself for them. Yes in reality I know all this. I know she is going off to Culinary college and she will do WONDERFUL! She has such a nack for it. Amazing! What a gift! Yet in my heart, I see my sweet girl all wrapped in pink as I rocked her to sleep. Oh how I prayed for a little girl when I was pregnant with her, and God answered my prayers. The joy she has brought us is amazing, she is an unbelieveably kind and generous and loving soul. I truly believe this whole family (especially her brothers) is as loving as we are because of her. She never goes a day without showing us her love. That is God right there let me tell ya! My heart screams, What am I going to do without her?, yet I know she is going to share that love with others wherever she may go. You can see Jesus in her, what a blessing. My sweet little baby girl has grown into more than I could ever expected, or wanted. Thank you Lord for your blessings of her. There is something about a mother/daughter relationship that is undescribable, especially when you're on the mother end. One more year with our sweet girl and then she is off to start her journey God has put her on. Just praying for her now that she does all the things that God has for her right here right now.

I still have my Tommy with me a few more years, I don't want to think about him leaving quite yet. He loves me so much, never forgets to tell me that everyday. He makes me laugh, he makes me crazy, he makes my life complete. We never planned on a third child when we were thinking this all out at the very beginning of our marriage. We said two would be good, a boy and a girl. To tell you the truth I ask myself this, What was I thinking?! If God wants to give me 10 kids then I will take them! Tommy is special though. So very special! Those of you who know his story know that. What a great kid he has always been, a little mischievous, but hey thats to be expected. Truly a gift from God saved just for us! He is such a handful at times and then there are times you never hear a peep, those times make me worry LOL!! He makes each day brighter and reminds us why we are parents. This family would NOT be complete with out our Tom Tom!! He is so helpful to other, to the underdog. You truly see his heart and his love of The Lord when he helps others. It takes me aback sometimes. Did I mention he is SO onary?! Constantly picking on his brother and dad and horsing around all the time, gets himself into trouble here and there, nothing big or noteworthy of, it does keep us on our toes though :) but to see him give his whole heart to another who truly needs it, amazes me! What a genunie heart, and what a great kid!!! Yes I am glad I have my Tommy a few more years! We love our kids so very much, what a blessing from The Lord each one of them is to this family!

The Family

Christmas has come and gone like a whirlwind. I was not prepared for it and so it kinda snuck up on me. I know how does that happen when its the same time every year. I try to not think about it and the commercialization, that just breaks my heart. So my focus is totally on Jesus and what He has sacrificed and given to me. I was part of First Christmas again this year at our church and I have to tell you 2800 people came through and witnessed the gospel, that is completley amazing to me! Thank you Lord!! So why is it I have so much trouble getting into the spirit of Christmas? It use to be my favorite holiday. Now it just breaks my heart and I feel as I am always in a rush. We never buy alot of gifts (heaven knows I would love too) so its not that so much. I am not sure maybe its the idea this year that my dad has been gone 15 years just a few days before Christmas and my Mom is so sick that it makes me dread having another Christmas without her.

On another note, my kids were all here just hanging out and visiting with each other. We had our family pictures taken right before Christmas and they turned out beautiful!! I think that was my real present this year!! I even pulled in the rest of my family to get involved. We really had a lot of fun doing that. Then we went to eat and got the pictures back right after, framed and beautiful!! I am not sure when we will all be able to do that again but I am so thankful that in that time and place we were all together, healthy and able to just be there. :o) That truly is a gift from The Lord!

The kids are still playing games, doing models, sleeping in (they love sleeping in) and it feels normal. I know we will all have to get use to Ernie being gone again but that is life I suppose. They all seemed to like what they got for Christmas, I always worry if it really is enough and am I truly giving them the real meaning of Christmas, the best gift of Jesus and family. In the end the gifts will go away and years later they won't remember what they got, when. But I pray they hold on to Jesus and the love of this family, In the end its the only thing that lasts. Thank you God for your ultimate gift of your son in that manger surrounded by the least king like things, and even more for the sacrifice on the cross! My family knows You, loves You and serves You. How could I ask for anything more? Merry Christmas and a Blessed and Happy New Year from our home to yours. :)

Catching up!

It's been awhile since I've been on here. So to catch up... Ernie is doing really well at school! Even has someone special in his life, trying to adjust to having to "share" my son lately. She's a sweetie it's just new for me. Love him to pieces and miss him too but it is getting a little easier, God is doing a mighty work in his life.
Marching season has kicked off and the kids are doing GREAT!! We are amazed how well they're doing so early in the season.

We are also starting something very hard for us, but in the end I KNOW it will be a huge blessing to us and it will honor God. You see over the course of our marriage, we have failed miserably at one thing, money! Well over the last year or so we have been introduced to Dave Ramsey....yeah you know who I mean, Live like no one else so later, you can live like no one else. SO we are taking his FPU class at church and he is funny, and I can relate to him and how he is teaching this stuff, makes sense to me for the first time in my life! Now we are just praying that we can do ALL he asks of us, it is tough and we have had a few "that's not gonna work" moments which he said we would, but the future seems brighter...I have hope that we will be able to eventually fully fund an adoption fund for our little one waiting in China for us to bring her home in HIS timing. (God's that is not Dave's LOL) His name has become part of our daily lives, but he is a christian and is really I feel really helping. He gives The Lord all the glory and so I know that what he is teaching is biblical (I know that because I looked it up in the bible) So I am asking for prayer that we take each step of this new journey in a way that honors HIM who has begun a good work in us. There are so many positives to this in so many areas that I am excited!! My worries will be lifted and so will my financial burdens! Praise God! Anyway I know this is not a very spiritual blog today but this thing has really taken hold of my heart, so maybe it is spiritual, it is God's teaching to be good stewards with our money and that is finally what I think we can do...there is HOPE!! Thank you Lord and thanks Dave for listening to your calling and following what HE would have you do as well. Pray for us...we are only getting started and its tough! But oh the joy and rewards we will be able to share with others!! Keep lifting us up before The Father!

:o)