Friday, April 27, 2012

This might be long....bear with me

For most of you that know me, know that I am a pretty much happy person. I smile a lot and I am thankful to God for all my blessings. Lately however dare I say we are going through what not is only a trial but a torrential hurricane. I can barely see my own hand in front of my own face. I feel like my joy and happiness has been swept right out from under me. I know God is in the midst of this but one thing right after the other leaves a girl weary and broken. Blogging makes me feel better and so I decided maybe that would turn my sorrow into dancing like David in Psalms. So if I rant and I offend, I apologize. If I make you smile then that's even better. I just need to get some things off my chest in a round about way. Forgive me from the start.

Ya ever have one of those things that just come up and slap you in the face and remind you of ALL the sins you have ever committed? Well first I brushed it off as digging deeper into The Word. Your bound to have a few fiery darts shot at your head right? Try my whole body is a flame, metaphorically. Its down right ridiculous. I have tried to put on my armor but I am weary and tired and weak. Scripture is running through my heart but fear is running through my head.

I have plenty of obstacles in my life as I am sure most of you do. So why is it the people who are suppose to encourage us, have us under a microscope? They are watching our every fault and reminding us how much we fail at everything. These lies began to run through your head. You know the ones, the ones you repented of. Why as humans do we have to sit back and judge people? This makes my heart hurt thinking about it. Our words can hurt and they can help. Now for me growing up I did not have much encouragement. I was always told when I did something wrong but never encouraged when I did something right. So this leads me to deal with two issues. One I want to please everyone all the time, (which I know is totally impossible!) and two I have low self esteem issues. I have become more aware of these recently when trying to work through some things. I look back at compliments I have been given and some people can be so sweet. Some I just cling too, others I can hardly believe that they are talking about me. The kind and tender words are just hard to take in. I love to sing and I remember a few times as a kid someone complimenting my singing voice. I have always sung at home but never ever in public. So one day my aunt was over and I was singing a song we had learned in school and she said to me. "You have such a pretty voice." I am not sure why, but that stuck with me. Another time I was in the car with my brother in my early 20's going down the road singing a song on the radio and he said to me. "Wow Sis, that sounded really good the way you were singing that." Again it sticks with me. Do I have a great voice? No I know that. But do I love to sing? YES! See words can be building blocks for other things. Now I sing in our choir at church, and I LOVE it! Do I need a solo, nah! But if God ever called me to stand up there and sing by myself with all my might praising Him, you bet I would do it in a heart beat, scared out of my mind but I would do it! I would have the courage because of Him and because a few people said some nice things to me. And if you think I stink at singing, please I beg you, please do NOT tell me so. I may never sing again if you do. Thank you! :)

We also know words can hurt, deeply! Those are harder to get past. Why can't people just see the good in people? This reminds me of the book of James, where he talks about our tongues and compares them to rudders in a ship. I always have told my kids "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all." And "Your words are like a tube of toothpaste, once you say them you cannot take them back. So make sure they are kind. NO amount of apologizing can completely take the sting out of hurtful words." So again why do people think it is OK to just say whatever they want without thinking about their words? I have had to distance myself from people who are continually hurtful with their words, the sad thing about it all is they think they know me. If they knew me they would know that those words are like bricks thrown at my heart. I am very tender hearted. People have told me to toughen up, but then I realize that is the way God wired me and I am not suppose to change that just because it makes people uncomfortable. Sorry! It is not a sin to be kind hearted and tender hearted to people. God tells us to do that and to forgive one another in love. SO people who continually hurt me then wonder why we aren't close, that is why I have distanced myself. My tender heart just cannot take any more beatings. I am trying to walk away from the sting of my childhoods painful memories, people throwing boulders at me does not help. My husband always says, its their loss if they don't take the time to get to know the real you. God has a great plan for your life and they could have been part of it if they would have been kind and loving. They are missing out. (I do have a wonderful husband! Thank You Jesus!)

So thank you to those of you who are always kind to me and my family and do not stand back and judge us for our faults. We have tons of them, and not to be mean but so do you. We are not perfect we are all sinners, that is why we need Jesus! I need to worry about the plank in my own eye before I worry about the speck in someone elses eye. Please extend me the same courtesy. God loves me right where I am and I am convinced that He who began a good work in me will carry it out to completion in Christ Jesus. SO stand back and watch God make me New in Him. I am not defined by my sins or the amount of money we have or where we live or what job we have. I am a child of The Living God and I will allow Him to change me and His word to guide me in my life. I am who God says I am. I can do what God says I can do. I can do all things through Christ. I am Believing God! I am a child of God, please treat me like it! Love me like He does, forgive me like He does, and help me to be more like Him. I in turn will do the same for you! Pray for our family as we are going through this Hurricane of trials! We are trusting God, because He sees the other side. He is who we cling to because He is the only One who loves us unconditionally despite our sins, that is why we have The Cross! Thank you Jesus for loving us like no one else! I Choose Jesus, I choose Jesus, because He first chose me. I choose Jesus I choose Jesus, for now and eternity!! Forgive me if I have offended anyone. I just needed to share how tender my heart is and how words can hurt. I have not tried to hurt anyone on purpose. Please extend me grace. I promise to do the same for you.

Blessings and still my sweet ladybugs! :)