Trust

I have heard that friends here in the bloggy world like to choose a word to start their new year off. Instead of all these resolutions, you choose a word that you need to focus on for the year. Let the word change you, possibly mold you, get into your heart. I thought and prayed about this a lot in the beginning of January and I chose a word back then. My word.....TRUST. Little did I know how this word would change me, break me. Build me back up and it's only February.

I didn't really think that I have a problem with trust. I am a pretty trusting person, or so I thought. Then I began to do a bible study recently along with reading this tremendous book "One Thousand Gifts" oh so beautifully written by the very humble, and crazy in love with Jesus, Ann Voskamp. All I can say is "WOW"! God said these two things are going to change you, one way or the other.

I picked up the book I had been so anxiously waiting for. My dear sweet daughter got it for me for Christsmas and the hubby got the journal. Now if I understand correctly, neither of the two spoke to the other about what gift they were getting me. I just see God's Hand all over this. He will use whatever He needs to get to our hearts. Mission accomplished!

It begins with blessings. OK count your blessings, I can do that. Sounds simple, right? I went to the store and bought a couple journals. I figured it would be nice if the family did this together. You see Mrs. Voskamp was at Women of Faith last year and her story and her "One Thousand Gifts" touched something in my heart. I went to buy her book there but they were all out. It has been a New York Times Bestseller so of course they were out. However, I went home with something stirring in my heart. I knew there was something to this blessing thing. So I went and bought the journals back in November. One for the family, and one for me. I hadn't read the book yet so I was doing my best to remember what Ann had said about the gifts. Write them down, be descriptive, have a cup with a pen next to the book in order to be ready to write. I gave the family instructions based on what I could remember. One gift a day needed to be written in the book from each family member. And so we began in early November writing down our gifts. What we are thankful for in the everyday. As I glanced back over them that stirring got deeper. So heartfelt, so poignant. My heart bubbled with joy, and not only for their gifts but all the different handwriting of each of us, splashed together on the pages. Did you know being thankful and deliberately writing the gifts down gets contagious? I left the one book for the family and began my own. I have one with me wherever I go because I find thanking God for each gift leaves me wanting to thank Him even more. So I began to write and the family continued as well.

December came and that blessed day we celebrate Christ's birth! There beneath the tree was the lovely book I had been wanting. Now I love to read so there were other books as well. This one, however was the one I could not WAIT to dive into, little did I know the impact this book would have on my heart. In Ann's tragedies in life and she has had some hard ones, God has asked her to be thankful in all things. Eucharisteo. I began to examine my life. There have been HARD things in my life as well. Sometimes to the point I didn't think I could bare one more tragedy. Life is hard. People can make it good, and God can make it great. In a lot of hard times in my life I didn't have people to make it better. I had fear, worry, abandonment, and mistrust. Things a young person should not have to deal with at such a young age.. It went on as I got older. I would brush it aside. I never was thankful for much because I was always so worried. I kept busy so I didn't have to think about all that stuff. It was hard, it was painful and it is not something you can just get over. It takes time and tears, and sorrow to work through. God didn't ask me to do anything but start to be thankful in all things. I added eucharisteo to my dictionary so that I could really live out this thankful life Ann had talked about. Its not easy. I am finding though that even in the hard eucharisteo I can come closer to God and He is there waiting on me.

As I began to find some favorite "trust" scriptures to hide in my heart, the words "thankful" would pop off the pages of my Bible. I was reminded of it again. I would give a sweet smile to God for continuing to work on my heart. Then a few weeks ago He was ready to deal with the tough stuff. Funny how I am never ready to deal with that stuff when He is. I had began a Bible study by Beth Moore "Breaking Free." Good timing huh, God? I had done the study 10 years ago and seemed to get through mostly unscathed. This time, however, God is not letting me off so easy. I need it so badly in order to heal and break all these things that keep me chained up spiritually. I didn't realize all that stuff was there, until Beth began to speak God's word, and my heart burst open with pain and tears and anger. I am still in the midst of this study so I know God has more work to do. So far though between Ann reminding me to be thankful in ALL Things good and bad. The hard stuff is when you tend to forget to be thankful, but His love and sweetness is there, if you just take in His Spirit and remember who you are in Him. Such joy in that and such peace. Her book and Beth's study has my heart in turmoil. I can feel God healing it though. Sometimes you have to allow the dark places of your heart, the places you've hidden your pain to be healed through His light. I am not there yet but I can feel His Light in me growing stronger every day. I will continue Ann's book and Beth's study to allow God to make my heart whole in Him again. Only through Jesus! "He who began a good work in you, will carry it through to completion in Christ Jesus." I can see the joy returning to my broken heart. I am feeling closer to the Father more everyday. His comforting arms are there to hold me when I am going through this difficult healing. He loves me that much. I trust Him! I have faith in Him! I will be thankful in all things. Eucharisteo!

Thanks for letting me share what God is doing in my heart. I know that there is a reason and I am sure the adoption might have something to do with it as well.

Blessings and Ladybugs :)

Wait

I ran across this about 2 years ago, 6 years after God prompted us to adopt. It still fits to this day. Still Waiting on Your direction Lord. Through the years I have been watching His plans unfold. Things that weren't possible at the start of this calling are now become clearly possible now. So I wait on His timing, most of the time very painfully I wait, but none the less, it is after all HIS plan! This fits anyone but it spoke volumes to my heart about our adoption journey. For you though, it could be about whatever struggle He is taking you through, just remember He see's the WHOLE picture. This is by Russell Kelfer.

Wait

Desperately, helplessly, longly I cried,

Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.

I plead and I wept for a clue to my fate...

and the Master so gently said, "Wait."

"Wait?, You say Wait?" my indignant reply,

"Lord, I need answers, I need to know, why!

Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?

By faith I have asked, and am claiming Your Word.

My future and all to which I relate,

hangs in the balance and you ask me to wait?

I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign,

Or even a 'no', to which I'll resign.

"You promise, dear Lord, that if I believe,

We need, but ask, and we shall receive.

Lord, I've been asking! I need a reply."

Then quietly, softly I learned of my fate,

as my Master replied again, "Wait."

So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,

and grumbled to God, "So I'm waiting.....for what?"

He seemed then to kneel and His eyes met with mine....

And He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.

I could shake the heavens and darken the sun,

I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.

I could give all you see and pleased you would be,

You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know me.

You'd not know the depth of My love for each saint,

You'd not know the power I give to the faint.

You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;

You'd not learn to trust by knowing I'm there.

You'd not know the joy of resting in me, 

When darkness and silence are all that you see.

You'd never experience the fullness of love,

When the peace of My Spirit descends like a dove.

You would know that I give and I save, as a start,

But you'd not know the depth of the beat of my heart.

The glow of my comfort late into the night,

The faith that I give when you walk without sight.

The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask,

From an Infinite God who makes what you have last.

You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,

What it means that My Grace is sufficient for thee.

Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,

But, oh, the loss, if I lost what I'm doing in you.

So, be silent my child, and in time you will see,

That the greatest of gifts is to truly know Me.

And though oft My answers seem terribly late,

My most precious answer of all is still, Wait."

Blessings and Ladybugs :)

God's Healing Hands

I love how when your going through the thick of things in life, you know when its really tough, God makes His presence known! I want to share something vaguely that happened last week. The details aren't important but the outcome and suffering is, but God was with us. 

You have heard about my Mom and how she came to live with us after her open heart surgery in September. The conditions she was living in was not a healthy situation in all aspects, relationally, spiritually, and health wise. So after much conversation she decided to come live with us. She has done really well in every area. She started going to church with us and really getting to know God. It was wonderful. She also was doing better health wise and we were excited, it was exciting. She started visiting with friends and getting out there again. So last Sunday while visiting a friend, she called me. She told me she had made a decision (out of no where) that she was going back to the situation she was in before the surgery, including marriage. This situation was difficult when she first moved here because of the underlying issues but lets just say we were drug through the mud from the other party. It was heart wrenching to watch and to be a part of because it was not only her going through it but us as well, Satan was attacking. We had gotten through it and God had protected us all. So to receive that call Sunday, I was floored. She proceeded to move out on Monday and has not looked back. We were left......dare I say abandoned. I felt that way at least and I knew that I could not be a part of all that again. We had gone through so much and I could not put my family through it anymore. It came down to having to choose between that and her choices and my family. She is married now, they did that on Friday, and has not really had much to do with us since. I am not sure what happened or why but I know God has held us close to His heart this week.    

My kids are old enough to understand as much as there is to understand so they were kind of shocked and hurt too. They are better now, I however being her daughter have had an emotional roller coaster of a week. Here is the point in this. Its not to tell you what things we have been through or what choices we have made to bring this on, because really we didn't choose this. The point is, God knew it was coming and He stood next to us and even at times this week as held me and comforted me. 

I have really known what it feels like to be a daughter of The King this week. He has comforted me when I cried and lifted me up and encouraged me. Even today when she called and left a message that was not very kind, He comforted me right then. He reminded me that He has all this in his hands and that He loves me despite of all the pain I have been through in this and in my childhood with my parents. He is the ultimate Father! Who could ask for anyone better?! I feel    

like I have been through the stages of grief again like I did when my Dad passed away. I am telling you I just sobbed and sobbed for a few days, then I was angry and then sad and numb, and today, today with God's words in my heart I am beginning to heal. My friends have come along side me and prayed and loved on me. I have some of the best friends a girl could ask for. I really do believe that God gives you friends to help to stand in the gap where your family chooses to not stand with you. So I have come to understand this week that this was a choice she made and that I have no say so in it, it is NOT my responsibility to make her choices and choose how to treat me. It is my responsibility to walk a Christian life and honor my Heavenly Father in all this. He has revealed things to me and shown me He is really what I need above everything else or anyone else. I am so thankful that HE loves me enough to stand with me and to send others to love on me and help me heal. And I am so thankful for my husband, children, brother, sister and nephew that loves me unconditionally, and friends who are like family to me.I wish I could say that about everyone but that is unfortunately not the case. I am ever more thankful that God through my life and sin and bad choices that He loves me anyway, and He loves her too. So now we have decided to move forward, one foot in front of the other. When the days get difficult I will lean on Him above anyone and anything else. Thank you Father!! Thank you!! He reminds me "I will love you for you, not what you've done or what you have become, I will love you for you!" What He has MADE me for and made me to be, to love Him and worship Him and that is what I will do with ALL my heart!!