Friday, February 4, 2011

Rambling and Emotions

Its been an emotional week for me. I am not sure why but finally on Wednesday I just broke down crying for what seemed like hours. Ever felt the weight of the world on your shoulders? Ever feel like everything is coming to a head at once? That was me this week. I keep thinking God I know You're in this, please remind me of it when I forget. Life can sometimes snowball and that is when I need Him to help me focus completely on Him alone.

In case you don't know me, I will give you a wee bit of insight. I love my family more than anything in the world except Jesus Himself. I count it a privilege to be a Mom and wife to a loving family. Even when things get bad, and they do sometimes, get bad. My family loves each other deeply! They are just there for each other and that is SO comforting, and SO from God. My husband told me the other day (amongst my tears, because every now and then ya just need a really good cry!) "I am the glue that holds this family together." I never thought of myself as that. I just do what I have to do and do my best to honor God in all of that. So whatever gave him that idea is not who I try to be, I just try to be a godly example. SO in reality it is God who is the glue that holds this family together, because HE holds me together. 

My family will also tell you that I can be a bit over organized (hey there are a lot of us in this house) and I can be a bit obsessive/compulsive when it comes to cleaning. (Probably hinders from my childhood, but that is a whole other blog!!) So for the most part I am easy going, loving and forgiving. However, there are those rare moments after the house is sparkly clean, laundry is done and everything seems "just perfect" and you just want to soak it in for a bit. (come on its hard work to keep all that going, schedules, cleaning, cooking, shopping, bills, running the household and working) so that is what I do bask in it for just a bit. Like ahh the world is right for just a bit. Then five minutes later someone comes in with their snow filled shoes and mud and salt and throws their coat down and stuff everywhere and I lose all sense of who I am for about 10 seconds and freak!! Am I the only one who has worked hard to have their home cleaned and this happens just a few short moments afterwards?? So I turn into this person I do not know and think after the craziness wears off, "Where did that come from?" that is my ugly, sinful self and I HATE it!! My family probably thinks the same thing :-) then God gets a hold of me and reminds me of the sin and how He cleansed me for just a time as this. 

See when we think we are all perfect and things are going right that is when our sin pops in kinda sneaky like. Although I am pretty humble I don't think I can ever recall a perfect day, there is always something nagging at me that I have done wrong. Again God will remind me of His perfectness and sacrifice and that I have been forgiven for all that already to just be happy where I am. There are times that I can see Him in everything when I am not looking. Then there are times when I desperately NEED to see Him and I can't, guess those are the times when He is holding me and I am looking far beyond that to find Him.

So all this leads me to this past week. I had cleaned, got emotional. Some financial issues happened out of my control, I was feeling unworthy of a lot of things, and really useless in lots of areas, and then all that piled on with all the feelings about the adoption and my cry fest began. And my sweet loving husband said something in the midst of all this that made me sob more. Don't get me wrong he wasn't trying to make things worse or make me cry more. But his words pierced my heart. I have really hung on to them and asked God for clear direction in them, one so I can not be a blubbering mess of tears and two so that those words won't hurt next time he says them, because they were never meant to hurt. See after all these years of praying for our Asian princess, there really has never been a doubt once we understood where God was leading us, about this adoption. Now the when has always been the hard part. So over the years I made myself aware of all things involving Chinese adoptions. The more years that have passed the more things I have researched, even when God said waiting children was the way to go, it did not detour me.

 My hubby has always just sat back and watched and laughed and listened and frowned here and there but never ever really got to emotional about it all. I know his heart when it comes to this because we have had deep conversations about how life will change and what to expect and loving more kids. All those topics handled. Even when God said Special needs (again by Chinese standards) we didn't miss a beat, we just researched to prepare for whatever need it was that we would be willing to handle with His help. Then we found out that some of the things that we have already handled in our own lives and our children's lives would be special needs in China. For instance when I was born I had strabismus, three surgeries later and you cannot tell my eyes were ever crossed or that I wore glasses the whole time growing up. Although now I wear them to read but that has nothing to do with my childhood disease. Another example, our oldest has ADD, and yet another is our youngest who has had the hardest disease and yet was the one I handle with ease and protect like a Momma bear protects her cubs, his is called Hirschsprungs disease. 3 MAJOR surgeries later and lots of other lessons learned (and still learning) He is a normal teen (for the most part) but I do believe now looking back, God has prepared me for the next season of life from all these lessons. You see to me they aren't really special needs they are just what makes us different or unique or special in everyone's hearts. Our son almost died because of his disease, if it would have went on to much longer and I am talking days here, he would not have made it through. God saved him, for us, to be his parents and to tell him how very special he is to us and to HIM! I believe He will do that again with our Asian princess or that He is doing it right now. I know Philippians 4:13 has been lived out through our lives. No matter what happens when He is with us we can handle it! That leads me back to my hubby's statement. He said to me amongst all this worrying of mine and tears. "I am tired of waiting, I want my daughters home, lets do something to get this moving." He was very firm in this and has NEVER said that in almost 7 years. My heart was happy and yet it broke into pieces. There are things that we still have to do in order to begin, and we have been so distracted lately with other things, things that HAVE to be taken care of NOW, that this just seemed overwhelming to me. It also made me realize that he loves our ladybugs as much as I do and he was not shy about telling me right then.

So the last couple days I have been slowly digging myself out not only of the 12+ inches of snow around here but emotionally digging myself out. I guess the only place to go now is up! God has a lot left to do in me for this adoption and in life but I am willing. Just show me the steps Father. Won't you pray for us to know what to do and where to go? Money is a BIG thing right now, not just for the adoption but for life's curve balls we have been getting lately. We really need some direction from God. I am being real here and sharing my heart which is not always easy, only because we could really use your prayers.

We know God is in all of this! Jeremiah 29:11 Philippians 4:13 thanks for listening to my rambles and allowing me to share my heart. Have a blessed day!