Hi everyone, yes I am still here, that is if anyone really reads this. Who knows could be for my benefit only. Anyway. It is raining in our neck of the woods. Been praying for rain all summer, didn't know it was going to be in the form of Tropical Storm Isaac, but we will take it! Still praying for those on the gulf coast impacted by Isaac.
So on to why I'm posting. I have recently been in what you might call an identity upheaval. All my kids are graduated, school as started again and I find myself feeling empty. I am trying to do a "reset" if you will but it just gets hard some days. The older two kids I am much better with letting them go and do whatever it is kids their age do. Trust me after being in charge of their lives for 18+ years that is not an easy task. I do have faith that God holds them and guides them, but I am a worrier. God is working on me there as well. It has been a survival instinct all these years so now I am just learning to let go and just, trust. Again some days easy than others. My youngest son I am afraid gets the brunt of my worry and control issues. I just think some days he just doesn't care, when in reality it is me being afraid. How do you deal with that, you ask? Lots of prayers and identity checks! It is also hard because I do not like being alone. My husband whom I adore, has been working so much at both jobs that I rarely see him, and we hardly even sleep at the same time. Throw that in there and ya might say there are days when I am a mess!
My heart aches for my family. I truly miss them. When all you've ever know is being a mom and wife and then life changes it is hard to "SEE" who you are some days. There are stretches of time that I do not hear from anyone just to see how I am really doing. Not just the casual, "Hey, how are you?" I mean the, "I've invested in your life so I care about what you're going through." Maybe I don't show others this or maybe everyone is just so busy going on with their lives. I never knew this time would be so hard. I am just not prepared and believe me that is one thing I always try to be. I am really trying to move forward. It's just hard, and I guess if you have never been through it you aren't sure what to do, or how to help, or in my case WHO to go to for advice. Sorry if I am being "too real". I just thought maybe others feel the same way out there and they can relate.
I do know why this time of letting go of my son is so much harder than the past kids. I always had someone to give my attention too. Someone I felt needed me still. Now I know they are all able to function on their own, without me. That is a blessing for sure. There are times, however, I just want to be needed.
In the midst of all this, God often reminds me of what He has done in my life. "Remember where you've been, He reminds. Look how far I've brought you. Cling to Me. I have wonderful plans for you. I am here to hold you through the heartache when no one else has the time. I will never leave you, I promise. You are not alone in this walk, I am preparing you for SO much more. Just be still and lean in to Me. Remember how I see you, and who you are in Me." My identity in Him is so much more than I can fathom, or hope for. No one loves me like He does. There are time I just say His name and I find peace in that. Or when I am praying that soft stillness comes over me and I am reminded of His presence in me. He loves us that much! I pray you know our Jesus like I do. He is here for the taking, all you need to do is just ask. No matter what life throws at you. HE is here. I have been through some traumatic things in my life, things people should not ever have to go through. When other left me, and trust me almost everyone has left me. He remains! Thank You Father for loving me with an unconditional eternal love. You are my Rock and my Fortress. For whom shall I fear?! If You are for me, and I know You are, then who can be against me. Friends, the enemy likes to whisper into our hearts, you aren't worthy, you aren't loved, you will never be good enough, you can't do anything. Those are LIES!! Jesus loves us so much that He sacrificed all He was to bear our sins and Satan's lies, so that we can spend forever in glory with The One who loves us, thinks we are worthy, tells us we are good enough in Him, tells us we can do ALL things through Him who gives us strength. THAT is the truth my friends! So no matter what I am going through right now in this life, I know He is with me, guides me and is preparing me for so much greater. The things of this life will be gone in the blink of an eye. Make sure you are investing in people, not things. In the end people are what matter. God will get me through this and He will get you through whatever it is you are going through. Trust Him. He promises if you believe in Him, He will always be by your side. One glorious day we will stand before Him and He will tell us, "Well done, good and faithful servant, you have honored me with your life." Are you living for Jesus, or are you living for the world?" In the end He is what is left. Please choose Him! Trust me you will not regret it! He is all we need!
Thank You Father for Your sacrifice. Thank You for loving me when I am unlovable, when I am unreachable, when I am impossible. Thank You for, despite all my downfalls and bad choices in this world, that You have not left me and are still guiding me. Even if it is one step forward and two steps back, I will trust You, and remember Your promises!! I love You and will walk with You all the days of my life. I pray one day someone will say after I am gone, that my life reflected You. That is what I want my legacy to be!! Use me Father, for Your glory!
Blessings, my friends! Have a blessed day, and remember He is all we need! :)