Sunday, April 4, 2010

God is preparing me!

So last night I was journaling to our China girl. Just telling her today was Easter and how Jesus died for us all despite our sins. He loves us that much! I was also listening to music and one of my very favorite songs came on from Steven Curtis Chapman. If you remember my earlier posts God speaks to me through music. The song was "When love takes you in." I have all the words writen in her journal at the very beginning. Its been like an anthem for her. I haven't listened to it in quite a awhile its just painful, it makes me cry and hurt not having her here already. I had to write some words of that song to her just to remind her we love her. There was another song too I wrote down a few lines from. SCC's What Now, he wrote about his third Chinese little girl Maria right before they adopted her. The verse goes:

I saw the face of Jesus,
In a little orphan girl,
She was standing in the corner,
On the other side of the world.
Then I heard the voice of Jesus,
Simply whisper to my soul,
Didn't you say you wanted to find me,
Here I am, here you go.

Powerful stuff and heartwrenching. I began to pray Lord if this is not what you want from us, take it away, take the desire, the longing, the hurt, the ladybugs away. I don't want to hurt like this especially if this is not Your will. I have always known it was His will but lately I wonder. Maybe I doubt, because we are SO far from beginning this. Nothing is in place, nothing at all. Its not where we need it, desire it or want it. So for us to move forward would be impossible. Ah but you forget I read the bible! There is a verse in there that speaks to my soul! Matthew 19:26 With man this is impossible. But with God ALL things are possible! I serve The Almighty where nothing is impossible. How come then I cannot wrap my head around it sometimes? I began to doubt. I fell asleep prepared for God to take it all away. Sure I would hurt but I do not want to go anywhere He does NOT lead. It would be wasteful and useless.

For some reason I remembered the ladybug that appeared on my window on Friday. One ladybug! If you remember Friday it was raining like crazy. Where did this one ladybug come from and why was it out in this weather? It was clinging to my window while going down the highway at 65 mph. See Ladybugs are significant in Chinese adoptions. I asked God along time ago to show me a ladybug when I was feeling sad or concerned ab this not happening and He has obliged me! This was my first ladybug of the season and she hung on tight!! Just like we are hanging on to God right now for direction. 

There are times when I am just not sure if or when or HOW this can ever happen. I pray and pray and wait and wait. We remain patiently (well as patient as I can be after 6 years! Don't pray for patience, this is what you get!) waiting for His next step. Prepared to step away if that is what He wants.

So this morning I awoke, to Easter Morning prepared to just love on The Father. That I did! I worshipped with all my heart. I laughed and cried with my church family. Praised Jesus sacrifice on the cross for my sinfulness, for my "hang-ups" as our Pastor worded it. Loved being there! Got loved on by my friends and I was content! No signs from God, He remainded quiet on that front.

We were headed for Easter dinner with family. I had told my husband the night before that if I felt God nudging that I would have this indepth discussion with my in-laws about all this adoption stuff. It had dawned on me the other day that we really hadn't discussed it with them completely. I felt God asking me to do that. My husband was fine with it. We were close to leaving and I mentioned the night before's conversation with him and he said, "No now is not the time." I was bummed but listened to him, almost completely. :) I had to mention on the way out to my mother and father in law that there was something important I wanted to discuss with them, when there was more time. It wasn't a hurry but I really wanted to share my heart with them. They were prepared to listen then, but I listened to my hubby and decided to wait. As I am about out the door, my sweet father in law says "I enjoy reading your blogs. Lots of stuff in there about Chinese adoption" I smiled kinda like a little joke between me and God. Told him that was what I wanted to talk with them about later. First I was giddy!! I didn't have this awkward moment of how do I begin this so important conversation, that engulfs my heart?  Second He reads my blog!!! I had no clue he did that!!! Happy Happy Happy as I walked out the door. IF that was not a sign from God I am not sure what is!! I want them to love her like we do and want this for her like we do! I want them to be part of her life just like the rest of our sweet ones. It was a very important moment to me! Thanks Dad!!! You made my heart soar!

We came home finished the garden from the day before we had started and went about the evening. I got on here earlier to check on our college kid to see if he had a wonderful Easter, and in the mean time, a nudge!!! You know from who by now right?! God said go to the adoption agency website and just look at a few things. So I did, with joy! I like following where He leads! Its better that way anyway!

The last few weeks it came to our attention that our sweet China girl just very well may be in the Waiting Child program whenever that happens we should possibly check that out. The Waiting Child program is a classification of "special needs" orphans. Now some of these kids may have a scar or birth mark or they may be older, therefore they are "special needs" some have more serious issues, some issues that could be difficult and some that could be easy to deal with. Our youngest son would be classified as special needs in China. Do you know hIm? Have you met him? He is far from special needs! He is a riot!! Its sort of basic some of these kids need medical attention, or some have gotten it but need follow up. They aren't "perfect" by China's standards. Guess what? neither am I!! She will fit right in here! No one in our home is perfect. So guess we are all  "special needs" as well!! :) So by God's nudging, I requested information on the Special needs program, from here on out referred to as "The Waiting Child program" these sweet ones are able to be adopted faster because of this program. I am not sure what will become of the info lets just say it is very likely that we will choose this program. I mean we have been waiting 6 years already. Average wait time for a healthy child is 43-46 months, average wait time for a Waiting child 12-24 months. They all need homes. I would love to bring more than one home but our finances will not allow that right now, so one at a time, for as many as God will allow. This is just a step we are not beginning yet, we just cannot do it at this time.

I also happened on a blog about chinese adoption that was telling stories of Waiting children and on the side it listed special needs. I clicked on it and it listed all the medical issues of some of the children in this Waiting Child (WC) program. I began to read. I know God is preparing me and my heart for this as I read these issues and began to pray and God showed me, you can deal with that one, and that one and that one and on and on and on. He has confidence in me! Is that a wonderful concept or what?!

Thank you Lord for the miracle of adoption! For adopting us into Your eternal family! I guess I have been adopted twice if you think about it. Once by my Heavenly Father, and once by my in-laws. I am not part of their "family" yet they adopted me so I can be part of their "family" :) Use us Father to glorify You! Let this play out in a way that honors You and You will receive all of the praise!!! Please hold onto our Ladybug and love her and comfort her and her Mommy wherever they may be. Let her know her forever family loves her so and You are with her. Bring her home to us soon! Sorry Blogger friends this is so long. God just worked on me today and I had to share! One more thing for Jesus,

I'm Amazed that You love me!
I'm Amazed that you care,
Through your precious blood I found pardon,
And my sins are washed there all washed away,
All my sins are washed away!

Thank you for Easter sweet Jesus!! He is Risen! It is finished the stone is rolled away!! Praise Him for all that He does in your life!