Thursday, May 27, 2010

God closing doors

Ever had God close a door you were sure He opened? I was sure He opened a door for us that would have allowed us to have the final thing we needed to meet the requirements for China. There was no way I would have went and searched this thing out, it was kind of handed to us. I was shocked and amazed and at first I told myself there was no way this could happen. Then we talked to someone about this thing and he gave us hope. In the mean time I prayed fervently to God "if this is not what you want for us then take it out of my thoughts" but it would pop in there even when I wasn't thinking of it. My hope grew when my thoughts would be filled with the idea of having all the things we needed (minus the money of course) to say Hey we met the requirements!

China is tough on requirements and some of them I think are just silly, stupid things. But whatever. I will do whatever it takes to bring our baby girl home to us. I guess it just appalls me that there are people right here in the U.S. who allows their kids to do horrible horrible things and they are never questioned as a good parent or not. I have been a parent for 19 years and worked hard at it to raise our kids in a godly manner. However, when China wants all these requirements to show your a good parent when those things they are asking of us do not really gauge our parenting skills whatsoever, makes me kind of crazy. OK through ranting, just one of those things I will never understand this side of heaven.

Anyway so the door was closed today. Not sure how to feel about it. I know God's plans are always better than what I ever imagined. I know He has our best in mind. I guess I just felt my hopes dashed a bit. So now I wonder, Lord if this is not what you want, then how do we meet this final requirement and step out in faith with the rest of this adoption? So many questions! I pray sometimes He would just give me a little bit of a glimpse of the very next step. Apparently not privy to that I guess, at least not now. The funny thing is this morning in my quiet time, He revealed something to me out of Revelation. I never thought He would speak to me about the adoption from this particular book but He did. Revelations 13:10b This calls for patience, endurance and faithfulness on the part of the saints. I thought that was pretty cool early this morning. However at this minute it confuses me. Haven't I been all those things Lord? 6 years is a long time to wait before we even start. I have been patient, I have prayed and endured my friends going and coming back from China with their sweet ones. I have been faithful to them and to you Lord so how have I not met this verse, what does this mean at this moment? So at this moment I am confused. Still leaning on Him for everything but I have to admit I guess my heart feels a little sad, not because we didn't get the thing we thought He wanted, but because I feel like we have taken a step back and are stalled again. I hate being stalled! It wears me down and takes away my hope.

Does this change anything in our home right now? No, not really. There is still a ruckus coming from the other room from the teens in this house. They are laughing and having a good time visiting with each other and catching up. Not sure how long that will last but it is good for now. It's funny the things that affect them and the things that don't. They are worried about finals coming home and last minute grades. I know they will all be fine because I have made sure they know what they need to. That's the kind of mom I am. I am involved in my children's lives. I am worried now that this could have helped us start to bring their sibling home and now they may not get to see that happen while they are home. Lord will they really know her when she comes home or will they all be gone and not get to love her and know her like I'd hoped? Maybe that is the plan. Maybe that is what she will need, but I feel like they all will be missing out on each others love and goodness and things only siblings can share. Just a frustrating afternoon I guess. Giving it all over to the Father. He knows best anyway. Hoping He will help me with this frustration and doubt. Boy I hate doubt. I am so thankful He never leaves me. Gonna go love on my kiddo's. That will help I am sure. This gift would have been for them too. Not sure where we are headed but I know God is with us. He promises!!